Lessons from The Turbulent, Roaring 20’s

Part 1 (The Early 20’s)

A few days ago I turned 30. I cannot even believe it. Where did the time go? If you want to know how old 30 is, look at all these other things that are turning 30 this year. In a recent TED talk Meg Jay, author of “The Defining Decade” stated that our 30’s are not our 20’s and that we all need to stop thinking our lives are an episode of GIRLS and get our lives together. I happen to like GIRLS and I think that even if we have it together in one area, very rarely do we it all have together in every area at the same time. Even know, I feel like I’m always working on some area of my life or adjusting to a new change. However, in my early 20’s, I did think I had to “have it all together” and the anxiety over having it all, made me rush into the milestones of adulthood.  

In hindsight, my 20’s were all about the growing pains of becoming an independent individual. Most of us leave our teen years carrying a lot of baggage, and the expectations of our well intentioned parents. At some point it’s hard to distinguish between what we want for ourselves and what others want for us. After high school, we are thrust into adulthood after choosing a college and then pressured to choose a major that will allegedly determine what we do with rest of our life.  After college we have to at least pretend to have our life together. Because no one wants to end up the poster child for one of those articles that talks about how Millennials all suck and are never going to do anything worthwhile with their lives except build an impressive stock of Instagram photos. 

There are lots of things to navigate in your 20’s and I could have used a survival guide. Here’s a few truth’s that I learned after surviving this roaring and turbulent decade that might help you get through these times.

1)      You Will Make Mistakes- Even the best of you will mess up and that is a beautiful thing as this is the only way you will grow as a person. This is how you will know that certain things are not acceptable to you and most importantly after thriving and surviving your mistakes you will know that you can wither any storm that comes your way.

2)      Your Life May Not Go According to Plan-  Accept that the things you want now will change and that even if you achieve the perfect job, relationship, life, you may find that it’s not as great as you thought it would be and that its time to move on to other things.  The sooner you let go of “the plan” the sooner you can figure out who you really are and where you want to go next.

4)    You Will Need a Support System- Believe me that YOU WILL NOT MAKE IT OUT ALIVE without a support system. Friendships are challenging, because your friends know all your issues and frankly they are probably tired of hearing about them and your inability to deal with them. That's normal but it doesn't mean they don't love and appreciate you. Friendships evolve and go through different phases that is just life, get used to it, it will be good practice for your late 20’s when all of your friends meet their “soulmates”, have babies/dog babies , move away for graduate school or a fabulous job. But true friends will always find a way to stay in your life.

5)      Deal with your Issues Now ( Ignore this at your Own Peril)- I read this quote in Thought Catalog about your 20’s that rang very true: “In your twenties, if you have any amount of complexity in your childhood, or any trauma that you haven’t dealt with, it comes out. “Every awkward Sally Draper moment in which you realized your parents were human and every unresolved instance of lost innocence comes crashing down on you.  Just remember that being confused about all that is normal and having unresolved issues is too. It’s important you recognize whatever “your” issues are and you start working on them now.  At the age of 20, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and it took me very long to not feel ashamed about that and to start finding ways to manage the feelings that overcame me rather than try to pretend they didn’t exist.

6)    Enjoy Your Body- Enjoy your body in your early 20’s, because sometime after age 25 you will notice a decline. Getting drunk won’t seem as fun when your hangovers last 48 hours. I will never forget the first under eye wrinkle I saw at the age of 27 under the fluorescent lighting at Forever 21.  Please do enjoy and also take care of your body now. (Also can someone tell me at what age it becomes unacceptable to even walk into Forever 21? My friends and I can’t seem to come to an agreement on this issue.)

7)    Keep Your Financial House in Order- One day you are just a kid and all of a sudden you’re in college and there’s these things called FAFSA and they are asking you to decide what kind of loans to take out. Meanwhile, depending on how you were raised you don’t even know your social security number. This is the time to start educating yourself on these issues, it is also a good time to learn how to make a budget and stick to it. After graduation the car my dad had purchased for me broke down suddenly and I learned very quickly that with my credit score I didn’t really qualify for a loan that didn’t come with a very high interest rate.  I hope you make better decisions than I did. Look at sites like mint.com and learnvest.com that help you make a budget and teach you about personal finance issues like how to build a good credit score.

8)      A Word on Romance- Yikes, I could write a book on all the things I did wrong in this department. From infidelity, to chasing the wrong boys, to holding on to the ones I didn’t like for my own selfish needs- I pretty much covered a lot of territory in a short amount of time. It’s hard to capture any “advice” because we all learn and evolve differently on these matters.  Here’s what I can tell you, when we are young we fail to consider that the things we thought we wanted are not the things we need to feel content. We are too young to know that things that at first were non-issues can become deal breakers. Worse, we don’t realize when we are in relationships that don’t suit us and we ignore that inner voice that tells us that something is not right.  I don’t consider any of the things I did mistakes, but rather that it took guts to let go of people who weren’t right for me so that we could both seek a better match. Every person that touches our life leaves us with a lesson. Maybe we don't see that lesson at first but eventually we see the gift they left us with.

And Finally:

Don’t feel pressured to figure it all out in your 20’s because life doesn’t end after 29.  Embrace the turbulent and transformative nature of your 20’s.  Sometimes we want to things to look a certain way or work out in a way that makes life less messy, this way we don't have to keep searching and we don't have to deal with the inner turmoil lurking inside us.  Allow yourself to feel the pangs of the uncertain; these feelings let you know that you’re alive.  Those feelings of uncertainty never fade and if they do it means you are being too safe and that is no way for any of us to live.

      Xoxo,

Betsy Aimee 

Lessons from an Absent Blogger

I started my blog in August of 2011 after years of thinking about it and making up lame excuses like,“oh well I should really learn HTML before I can start this.” One night I decided I was going to do it and I did. I was on anti-depressants then so I think it was easier for me to focus on things.Then when I finally started, I couldn't stop.  I took a few writing courses and realized that although at heart I always felt like a writer who just hadn't gotten around to writing. I had some successes and I was even published on Forbes Magazine! Well the online version, but still that was quite a feat for someone who had only been writing a few months.

Then my old demons reared their ugly head.  You see I am incredibly inconsistent with things. Once I have gotten into the habit of something it takes about a day of not doing it for me to just abandon the habit all together. While this means I am not a particularly good addict, it also means I am a horrible blogger.

Then my life got a little murky and confusing and rather than have to explain to all of my readers (I mean all 5 of you) what was going on with my life it was easier for me to retreat into a sea of excuses.  Some of these ranged from the delusional, “Well I will never be as witty as Mindy Kaling so what is the point?” to the more rational such as, “well you need to engage readers often so you probably already lost them.”

Alas I have spent the last few months pitching a few stories every so often to websites that refuse to publish me. (You know who you are!)  Okay I only did that twice but you get my point. I have a bunch of unfinished, garbled products living in my computer and in my brain.

However, it is getting really crowded in my head so here I am today.  Last time I wrote and published on my blog it was August of 2012. Here’s what I have learned since:

1)    I Write to Stay Sane Not for Other People

Writing for me was more of a therapeutic activity, because “like OMG, I have SO MANY feelings”.  Also there was finally a way to channel all the personal information I am constantly putting out there, I’m sure my friends were relieved that they no longer had to read my lengthy texts because alas I had moved on to a bigger audience. When I stopped blogging it was like an accumulation of thought and ideas started to block rational thinking. Everything was overanalyzed in my head, in actual time and eventually I would sit and write something and feel better but then I felt unproductive because I hadn't published it.

2)  Perfect is the Enemy of the Good

I have written about this before but please indulge me. Writing is an art form so you are never really done with a piece; it’s more like you publish a draft. I consistently tell myself pieces need to be perfect to be published.  In the meantime, I stopped writing all together because I stress myself out over the process.  You just have to keep doing it and not get discouraged

3) Writing is Essential When You Are Going Through Major Life Transitions

Last year I was I afraid to write about a major life transition and the feelings that led me to it so instead I would write about clothes, or Cinco De Mayo. The whole time I was avoiding the issue even with my therapist, and I kept thinking about my writing instructor who said we should write about whatever scares us the most.  Then somehow through that whole mess I got incredibly lucky and fell in love. To make a very long and complicated story short, we moved in together, now I am pregnant. Then I really knew I was way behind on my blogging and so then it became harder to start writing again.  I really wish I wouldn't have stopped.

As you can imagine that was all grand and I was too busy living these things to tell you about it, but now I feel like I missed so many opportunities to capture the very raw emotions that came with all of these transitions.  Don’t worry I captured some of them but mostly for my personal reflection.  Now I want to blog all about it but I keep thinking that too much has happened and that people will have absolutely no idea what I am talking about.  I hope I just caught you up!

4)   Once you stop you Realize that Maybe you did Touch a Few People

Once I stopped blogging I hoped that no one would notice.  My friends commented on it but they are my safety zone so I wasn't particularly ashamed. Then I ran into a work acquaintance and she said, “I really hope you continue to write, because you do it so beautifully.” I was shocked by the response and then a few weeks later I received an email from someone who read a piece I had written months before asking me for advice. What?!  It was the first time I realized people who aren't in my inner circle actually read what I write.

5) It’s Never Too Late to Do What You Want

You know what? I decided that today was the day I was going to start again. Is there something you have been avoiding? What is holding you back, is it your own neurosis?  Mine, holds me back all the time. But the beauty of life is that every day is a new opportunity to work towards the life you want. This is day 1 for me!

xoxo,

Betsy Aimee 

Stop Getting in the Way of Your Own Happiness

Source: etsy.com via Rachel on Pinterest

I have made big changes to my life these past few months that have brought me back to a place where I can marvel over what each day will bring and lately I look to the future with wide eyed wonder. This whole summer I have seen the beauty of my City of Angels with fresh eyes and have a new found appreciation for the people who wander its streets every day. Every face has a story and every street has been witness to a kiss, a tear or an embrace that has marked some one's existence. Life can be mundane and routine and it is moments such as these that make us who we are and if we are lucky they transform us and bring us closer to becoming the people we were meant to be. If we are too busy worrying about the superfluous nuisances of  life we will cease to exist in the moment and before long we will stop appreciating the beauty that is all around us.

I am saying this to myself because I have difficulties enjoying the moment. It has always felt like living in the moment was a dangerous way to exist after all it was planning for the future that helped me survive the insanity that followed my parents divorce and the instability of my teens and early 20's. I always looked to a brighter future when things weren't great because at times it felt like it was the only way to get through the uncertainty of life. The problem is that I became stuck there in a mindset that can only look to the future, and while hope is definitely what sustained me in difficult time it also made me unable to enjoy the present. I know im not the only one that suffers from this mentality, it plagues many of us. I call it the glass half empty problem, It goes something like this- "when I have that degree I will be happy," "when I buy that new gadget I will be happy," "when I get that promotion I will be happy." It took me a long time to accept that this is my life, LIKE RIGHT NOW! It's not starting tomorrow or when I lose 20 pounds.

Here are my tips to discovering bits of hapiness everyday:

1) Talk to Strangers- I know it goes against everything we were told when we were kids. But trust me every person you encounter has a story to tell, I just met a girl who visited Cancun and fell in love with the people and the place. She wasn't unhappy with her life here in the U.S but she had stopped enjoying herself and was in "the safety zone" with her job and in everything else. She saved up some many and moved to Cancun within a few months of visiting. She told me how in her new life everyday is an adventure and she feels more alive than she had in a long time. She took a leap of faith that inspired me to make sure that I find something to be amazed by everyday even within the boundaries of my hometown. On the plus side she also fell in love with a local four months after arriving there! People want to share their story you just have to ask them about it and you will be surprised at what you can learn from them and how it can inspire your own life. On the flip side, people want to hear what you have to say too, when is the last time you spoke to a new person? Made a new friend or even re-connected with an old one?

2) Look Around You- Yeah, that means look away from your phone and up at the sky, a tree, a sunset whatever. It sounds stupid but once you start to think about it you realize how we hardly every do that.  I think I went years without appreciating the peacefulness of a summer night. Even in the grand city that is LA we can find bits of nature that help us connect with the part of our humanity that can get lost in the urban jungle. I sat on a swing set in a park a few weeks ago and looked up at the trees and the few stars that the pollution allows to come through and had the most amazing time sitting there contemplating where I have been and for the first time ever appreciating not having a flow chart to map where i'm going next.

3) See the World Through the Eyes of Another- If you're as lucky as I am you already have special people in your life that can help you appreciate things that you may not notice on your own. It can be music, it can be a piece of art, or even a funny commercial. Observe the passions of others and you may find beauty in unexpected places. I was in West Hollywood recently and caught a glimpse of this magnficient mural by Shepard Fairey.

You've seen his work as he is the creative force behind the now widely know Barack Obama "HOPE" poster. but then thanks to the person I was with I actually went up close and actually took a moment to appreciate it and noticed the slight imperfections that made the piece authentic and I couldn't help but admire the countless hours that are put into a piece of this magnitude. My ephiphany for that moment was that even the most beautiful things have slight flaws that dont necessarily make them any less amazing but they do make them unique.

4) Find "Your Thing"- Writing has helped me see the world through different eyes and to look within to answer the questions that at first I thought would be answered by external sources. When I first started writing I was overly concerned with my audience and my writing had to have a purpose and my lack of posts this summer is a testament to said insecurity. I now realize that writing for me is much more selfish pursuit as it allows me to make sense of my thoughts and actions. I have since started journaling much more often and writing down thoughts or a even a music lyric that touches me in a particular way. We aren't all writers but we all have "our outlet." I encourage you to find yours and it will change your life.

Lets all stop waiting for our lives to begin and stop getting in the way of our own hapiness. I am trying something new lately, I am letting my heart lead the way.
Wish me Luck!

xoxo
Betsy Aimee